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Raw Pluses and Minuses, 5/7/12

By yachtcaptaincolby on May 7, 2012 in

Pluses

+ I wish I were the undisputed leader and authority figure for the WWE, just like Big Johnny.  I’d bring back the Hardcore Title under the 24/7 rule, talk MVP out of wasting his time in Japan, and immediately insert myself in an angle wherein I slow dance with Layla on TV every week.

+ The “Edge for GM” sign.  Some day.

+ I hope Little Jimmy successfully navigated Kofi Kingston’s fireworks.  Treating an invisible friend for severe burns sounds difficult.

+ Nobody throws a dropkick like Dolph Ziggler.  It’s just too bad he spends so much time playing with his hair.

+ I’m glad Ricardo Rodriguez is back on my television.  And I’m glad Telemundo hasn’t stolen him with an offer to star in a Hispanic remake of the Addams Family.

+ Michael Cole always talks about “that place” to which Randy Orton goes when it’s time for an RKO as if its scary, but for all we know it’s a peaceful beach trimmed with palm trees and a perpetual sunset where the margaritas never run dry and everybody wears a Chris Jericho light-up jacket.

+ Fantastic finish to Sheamus/Orton vs. Del Rio/Jericho.  Y2J’s at his best when he’s stirring the pot and making the good guys look like fools.

+ If the Miz has to lose, that’s the way it should happen: after he puts up one heck of a fight.  He may have fallen to the Funkasaurus, but he looked like he knew what he was doing in there.

+ I miss you, Paul Heyman.  It boggles my mind that TNA hasn’t thrown every penny it has at that man to convince him to clean up their act.  Then again, he’s probably too smart to let himself get caught up in that mess.

 

Minuses

- This mysterious “Board of Directors” is way too inconsistent in its rulings.  First they send Triple H to remove Big Johnny then forget about it because the Undertaker shows up, then they don’t care about Big Johnny beating up John Cena.  I demand a recall.

- Cody Rhodes’s plastic hooded vest duster is not available on wweshop.com.

- Eve’s wrong; there are plenty of places outside of the business for a 7 foot tall, 441-pound, 40-year-old freak.  Like working the door at any number of reputable drinking establishments.  Or working in a warehouse that can’t afford a new forklift.  Or testing the seaworthiness of various small vessels.  Or, you know, fighting for real.

- You know who really didn’t need fake boobs?  Kelly Kelly.

- Great.  A new Brock Lesnar video package.  Can we have GTV back?  Or how about The Barbershop?  The Funeral Parlor?  How about a new talk show hosted by Evan Bourne titled “Gettin’ High?”

- Most of these people don’t know who Paul Heyman is.  That’s sad.  If Sting ever makes his way to the WWE, most of the fans will want to know who the new jobber with the face paint is.

- Kind of a boring show, even with Heyman.

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Men in Black, Two Sugars

By yachtcaptaincolby on May 2, 2012 in

Dunkin’ Donuts and Men in Black 3: a match made in heaven.  Both feature men in snappy uniforms forced to deal with the worst scum of the universe on a daily basis.  It makes perfect sense for my beloved Dunkin to feature MiB inspired donuts and beverages.  I’d tell you the names of said “food” items, but I can’t remember them and the Internet isn’t being helpful.  Lunar something-or-others.  Some chocolate-y “donuts” shaped like stars that thankfully feature chocolate icing rather than the pink stuff that reminded me of Patrick the Starfish.

But they’re missing a few MiB-inspired menu items.  Like these:

  • The Noisy Cricket – A single donut hole, colored an odd silver color, that when ingested causes the kind of flatulence that echoes down hallways and transforms ordinary elevators into stench saunas of doom.
  • The Serleena – Octopus, egg, and cheese on a biscuit.
  • The Johnny Knoxville – A Coolatta with a tiny iced coffee sticking off its side.
  • The Edgar Suit – An egg white flatbread filled with shrimp.
  • The K – A day old donut that’s as hard as a rock.
  • Orion’s Belt – A jelly donut suspended from a bacon necklace.

Also they should cover the coffee machines with worm puppets and get the guy from Monk to make promotional appearances.

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Raw Pluses and Minuses, 4-30-12

By yachtcaptaincolby on April 30, 2012 in

Pluses

+ Big Johnny is such a twat.  He’s fantastic.  He’s like every doofus middle manager I’ve ever met rolled into one awkwardly self-important package.

+ The Miz is on my TV.  And he won.  The usual writers must be sick.  I’m all for pushing Santino, but not over the Miz.

+ Layla.  I missed my favorite English muffin.  I think that was the best dropkick I’ve seen a Diva throw in three years.

+ Big Show’s running boot over the barrier was fantastic.  He catches a lot of flack from Internet wrestling fans, but that guy can put on a hell of a show when he wants to.

+ Funkasaurus’s disco ball gets bigger and brighter every week.  That thing might go supernova a month or two from now.

+ Even better: he left the midget at home!

+ I really hope Jack Swagger’s new Ronald Reagan hair is the beginning of a new douche bag Republican character who tells the crowd they can’t have abortions and have to pay more taxes than he does.

+ LiL’ Jimmy needs to be involved in the action more often.  I’ll take an invisible friend over a midget sidekick any day of the week.  There’s definitely more depth to Lil’ Jimmy than there is to Hornswoggle.  Did he actually look like the image on the back of R-Truth’s shirt before an industrial accident turned him invisible?  What does he think of spider stew?  Is there an invisible persons lobby we need to be concerned with?  Do they have an awareness day?

+ Great tag match between Epico and Primo and Kofi Kingston and R-Truth.  All four men jumped really well.  And there was a cartwheel.  And failed manager interference.  Fun tag team wrestling is not hard to pull off.  There hasn’t been enough of it lately.

+  I like to think Jerry Lawler wasn’t joking when he said the Great Khali was dancing in the ring all throughout the commercial break.

+ Michael Cole’s not so bad when he has to actually call a match because he’s got no one to talk dumb bullshit to.

+ High hopes for Bryan vs. Punk.  Probably too high.  Looks like the writers are getting what they want (Sheamus as World Heavyweight Champion) while also giving the fans what they want (Bryan in some kind of title chase).  Good decision.

+ Big Johnny shows a mean streak.  I like it.  Not sure how I feel about him having a match with Cena–seems like having his first match as an authority figure with Punk would’ve been more appropriate, all things considered–but this could be interesting.

 

Minuses

- Monday Night Raw Starring Brock Lesnar?  The hell?  I thought that was only supposed to happen if Lesnar won at Extreme Rules?

- Brock Lesnar looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy when he’s trying to feign concern.  Then he speaks, and I’m reminded that the Doughboy could cut a better promo.

- “The name of this show always has been and always will be Monday Night Raw, period.”  Umm, Hunter?  It’s Monday Night Raw Supershow right now.  Now you know why your DVR has been missing it!

- AHHHHHHH DAMN YOU STAIRS I’M BROCK LESNAR AND I’M GOING TO HIT YOU BECAUSE I’M ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!

- Didn’t Sheamus club Triple H with a steel pipe the last time they met?  Granted, that was a few years ago, but the big ginger’s looking a little too concerned about the Game.

- Replica Chris Jericho blinking jackets still are not available on wweshop.com.  What am I going to wear to prom this year if not one of those?

-Nobody has hit the Vader/Swagger/Big Show Bomb since Yokozuna called it the Bansai Drop.

- Poor JTG.  Remember Cryme Tyme?  Remember how much fun they were?  What the hell happened?

- I’m not sure I would let my children climb into the ring with a 300-lb man who thinks he’s a dinosaur.  That seems like bad parenting.  I would insist on tagging along.

- Try as I might, I can’t quite pull off the Randy Orton pose.

- I stand corrected in regard to the Swagger Bomb.  That’s rarer than a perfect game in baseball, a successful onside kick in football, or escaping Target without purchasing random ridiculous housewares.

 

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WWE Extreme Rules 2012 Predictions

By yachtcaptaincolby on April 29, 2012 in

Remember when “extreme” meant more to the world of big time wrestling than “oh look Jeff Hardy painted his face like an asshole and does flippy things sometimes?”  I do.  I miss it sometimes.  Shattered tables.  Bent chairs.  Various things wrapped in barbed wire.  They say professional wrestling, like anything else, is cyclical, and that it all comes back around eventually.  Jim Cornette’s famous for saying you can reuse a storyline every seven years because wrestling fans forget.  Sadly, real “extreme” matches are one part of wrestling history that will probably never return to the mainstream.  Two-Out-of-Three-Falls and Insert-Wrestler’s-Hometown-Here Street Fights that don’t actually involve any streets are the best we’re going to get.  Hopefully they’ll be good enough.

Santino Marella retains the United States Championship over the Miz

My number one complaint about the current WWE product is the total lack of midcard storylines.  Why are these two in a match?  What did the Miz do to deserve a shot at the title?  He hasn’t been on free TV in weeks.

Santino’s the man.  His comic timing is unparalleled and he’s better in the ring than he gets credit for, despite his simple offense.  I’m all for giving him a long, fun run with the belt–but I wish it didn’t come at the expense of the Miz, a guy that the writers don’t have any idea what to do with.  This feels like a pitcher called in for mop up duty just to get some work in.  I’m not foolish enough to hold out hope for a title change, even though I think it could really jumpstart the Miz and make him relevant again.

Nikki Bella retains the Divas Championship over Beth Phoenix

The Bella twins are my favorite part of the Divas division.  They’re devious.  They play the clever, evil bitch role to a T.  If we have to watch terrible women’s wrestling, the least the company can do is give those terrible wrestlers entertaining characters.  The Bellas are it when it comes to charisma in the division.

Nikki retains and Kharma returns to get revenge on the Bellas for the way they treated her prior to her maternity leave.

Randy Orton defeats Kane

I can’t see Orton losing in back-to-back pay-per-views, especially considering the losing streak they’ve obviously planned for Cena.  Should be a solid if unspectacular match from two guys who know their way around the ring.

Cody Rhodes defeats the Big Show to win the Intercontinental Championship

The match stipulation still hasn’t been announced; likely it’ll be something that logically gives Cody a boost or negates Show’s strength advantage.  A submission match seems likely given the figure four leglock Cody’s been using lately.

Sheamus retains the World Heavyweight Championship over Daniel Bryan

Poor Sheamus.  It’s not his fault he was booked to beat an unexpected crowd favorite in 18 seconds at Wrestlemania.  The company may have inadvertently created another Cena–a guy deserving of a push who gets a good reaction from the kids, but who the older crowd hates because they see him as being shoved down their throats.  He deserves a solid run with the belt, and they need to get him away from Bryan as soon as possible.

CM Punk retains the WWE Championship over Chris Jericho

I’d like to see Jericho win the title here.  I really would.  He’s been a fantastic prick since he came back and he deserves a run with the belt.  There’s just one problem: Brock Lesnar, the logical champ-in-waiting.  You could argue that a guy like Lesnar doesn’t need the belt to be a draw, and you’d be damn right–but putting the strap on an unstoppable monster can lead to some damn compelling TV.

Brock Lesnar over John Cena

Duh.  Cena’s always been willing to do the job, and you don’t bring a guy like Lesnar in to lose their first match.  There’s a chance–albeit a very small one–that this ends in a draw and spawns a rematch at the next pay-per-view.

Where do we go from here?

  • Lesnar moves on to feud with Punk for the title.
  • Cena tries to get his groove back.  The logical option is to rekindle one of his old rivalries.  I’d put him against the Miz and have the Miz try to pull him to the dark side, but Jericho’s a good option too (and probably the more realistic choice).
  • Sheamus feuds with Alberto Del Rio.  Everybody over the age of twelve hates it.
  • The Big Show teams with the Great Khali to take the tag titles from Epico and Primo in seven seconds on Smackdown.
  • Rhodes starts shit with Kofi Kingston, if only because there is no other logical face option unless they turn Christian (which they really, really should).
  • Kane keeps Orton busy for one more month before Orton moves on to face Lesnar.
  • Big Johnny keeps throwing his guys at Santino, who continues to win in ridiculous fashion.
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Raw Pluses and Minuses, 4-23-12

By yachtcaptaincolby on April 23, 2012 in

Pluses

+ John Cena’s sad puppy dog faces.  Dude looks legitimately shaken up–that’s not something the WWE has ever really done with its top face.  I was very critical of the decision to put the Rock over at Wrestlemania–jobbing your biggest name out to a guy that hasn’t wrestled in 8 years basically shits all over everything that’s happened during said 8 years–but if it means a bit of character development for Cena, then it was a good thing.

+ Edge.  I stood up as soon as I heard the first chord of his entrance music.  The show just isn’t the same without him.

+ Big Johnny’s awkward attempt at hugging his new Executive Administrator, Eve Torres.  If there’s one thing I enjoy it’s a lascivious authority figure reminiscent of the Genetic Jackhammer.  Eve’s no Trish Stratus, but this could be fun.

+ CM Punk’s liquor basket.  Jack Daniels?  Jameson?  I’ll take it off your hands, Punk.

+ Asian-themed wrestlers who spit green mist at their opponents.  I could write an entire series of articles about how much I love this.  Is it just Asian professional wrestlers who can do it, or can all Asians blind their enemies by spitting green mist in their eyes?  Why haven’t I seen this on the bus or the subway yet?  I like to imagine this is why no one ever robs the Kowloon.  I’m going to hell.

+ Randy Orton locking Paul Bearer in the giant fridge.  I hope he escapes a few weeks from now on a motorcycle and interrupts the local mad scientist’s dinner party by driving in circles around the guests and singing a rock-and-roll ditty whilst Magenta screams about how excited she is to see him and the mayor from Spin City makes confused faces at everything.

+ Ricardo Rodriguez trying to help Alberto Del Rio by fanning his chest after a big chop from the Great Khali.  I like to think that Alberto’s relationship with Ricardo transcends the typical employer/employee dynamic and that they do everything together.  I bet they stay up late at night in a makeshift tent in the living room planning how they’re going to fuck with Rey Mysterio next.

+ Surprisingly decent Divas Title match between Beth Phoenix and Nikki Bella. Nikki sold Beth’s offense reasonably well and didn’t botch anything.  No, that’s not saying much.  Such is the state of the Divas division.

+ CM Punk’s drunk act.  He’s great when he stays away from the “you’re a girl” jokes and sticks to the snark.

+ Special guest referee Daniel Bryan’s ridiculously fast count on Sheamus made me laugh like a little girl even though I saw it coming from a mile away.  Good storytelling isn’t always throwing an unexpected curve; more often than not, it’s making things seem worth it even when they’re ridiculously obvious.

 

Minuses

- Replica Chris Jericho blinking jackets still aren’t for sale at wweshop.com.  Oh but look they used a rejected Randy Orton design to make Brock Lesnar the kind of t-shirt chubby douche bags everywhere are going to love!

- I was not entertained by the Brock Lesnar video package the first eight times I’ve seen it.  It has not improved with age.

- The cartoon fire on Kane’s pants really ruins that scary vibe he’s going for with that welding mask.

- There probably isn’t a wrestling fan on the planet who will get the Rocky Horror joke I made in the plus section.

- Backstage interviewer Josh Matthews is more orange than any of the wrestlers.

- The rollup continues to be the most devastating maneuver in modern women’s wrestling.

- Punk fucked up the letters S and T while reciting the alphabet backward.  Somebody get the breathalyzer.

- The Facebook poll asking “What’s WWE’s most extreme match?” does not list either Hog Pen Match or Judy Bagwell on a Pole Match as options.

- Tag Team Champions Epico and Primo lose to yet another thrown together team.  Next week on Smackdown they’re sure to lose to the dynamic duo of Howard Finkel and Damian Demento.  These guys wrestle well and come equipped with a valet who does her job well–stop jobbing them out to random pairings.

- Product placement.  It’ll take more than Jerry “The King” Lawler smiling and holding up a cup to make me go to Taco Bell.  I love the Funkasaurus, but I don’t want to look like him.

- Brock Lesnar should not be allowed to speak.  How are you going to take Vince McMahon’s private jet to and from the venue?  I doubt most arenas have their own landing strips.  ”This is a real feeling that you’re feeling because I can feel it!”  Really?  Really.  He’s just painful to listen to.  Somebody call Paul Heyman.  Or maybe he should practice by reciting passages from my book.

 

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Occupy My Porch

By yachtcaptaincolby on April 17, 2012 in

I’ve sat my ass on my porch and I’m not moving until my demands are met.

  • I demand that Scarlett Johansson bring me a chocolate glazed donut and feed it to me one piece at a time.
  • I want Persona 5 and I want it on my XBox 360.
  • I want to be reimbursed $500 for the time I’ve wasted in Whiskey’s, Sissy K’s, and the Foggy Goggle.
  • I want Khloe and Lamar’s sex swing.
  • I want the NFL to stop talking about ruining kick offs all ready.
  • I want whoever’s in charge of the MBTA tarred and feathered and paraded down Boylston Street.
  • I want this presidential election to hurry its ass up so all these dumb Republicans will go away.
  • I want Woot to stop ruining my mornings with vacuum cleaners.
  • I want Twitter to increase its character limit to 150.  144 is arbitrary and stupid and doesn’t end with 0.
  • I demand that Narragansett rename its summer seasonal after me.
  • I also demand that beer companies wait until its actually fucking summer before releasing their summer seasonals.
  • I want cat memes made punishable by flogging.

And get me these things quick.  I’m bound to get tired and decide to go to bed, and you’ll feel really silly if you send Scarlett Johansson to my porch and I’m not there.

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Fenway Park 100th Anniversary: Who I Want to See

By yachtcaptaincolby on April 16, 2012 in

Fenway Park turns 100 years old April 20.  Prior to their scheduled game with the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox are celebrating their home’s birthday with an expansive ceremony.  They’ve invited everyone who’s ever worn a Red Sox uniform to attend.

Oh man.  Just thinking about all the idiots, whack jobs, and douche bags who’ve played for the Sox over the years and might be in attendance makes me salivate.  It’s like VH1 announced another season of Flavor of Love.  It’s like the High Life man called me up and invited me for a ride-along.  It’s like the Funkasaurus just danced into my living room and offered me a job as WWE’s head writer.

Appearances by the following former members of the hometown nine would really make my day:

  • Roger Clemens.  If they’ve got some young, blond country music siren singing the National Anthem you know the Rocket will be there.
  • Jose Canseco.  If only because any public appearance by Jose will prompt the Iron Sheik to tweet about Canseco’s “raisin balls.”  And maybe Jose can slip Nick Punto some greenies.
  • Izzy Alcantara.  Because Bobby Valentine deserves a good kick.
  • Carl Everett.  Did you know dinosaurs aren’t real?  Let Mr. Everett explain.
  • Rickey Henderson.  He’s no Jason Repko, but I bet Rickey could still play a solid centerfield.
  • Kevin Millar.  He’d better bring the Jack Daniels.
  • “Spaceman” Bill Lee.  Nothing goes better with Jack Daniels than a hit of the old nose candy.
  • “Wave ‘Em In” Wendell Kim.  Someone’s got to emphatically get all these guys out onto the field five minutes too soon.
  • Manny Ramirez.  He should wander nonchalantly out of the Green Monster halfway through the ceremony then fake like he just remembered to zip his pants back up.
  • Julian Tavarez.  My favorite angry Dominican.  Just a stone cold pimp.

Other guys I’d like to see ironically: Scott Cooper, Dante Bichette, Heathcliff Slocumb, Joe Kerrigan, Jose Offerman, Jeremy Giambi, Steve Avery, Phil Plantier, Bob Zupcic, Jack Clark, Ramiro Mendoza, Manny Alexander, Butch Hobson

Guys I’d actually like to see for serious: Pedro Martinez, Curt Schilling, Troy O’Leary, Bill Mueller, Mike Lowell, Dave Roberts, Tom Gordon, Johnny Pesky, Jason Varitek, Tim Wakefield, Mo Vaughn, Wade Boggs, Dwight Evans, Jason Varitek, Tim Wakefield, Doug Mirabelli, Rod Beck, Bill Buckner, Brian Daubach, Nomar Garciaparra, “El Guapo” Rich Garces

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On Baseball and Panics

By yachtcaptaincolby on April 9, 2012 in

On the one hand, it’s just three fucking games against one of the best teams in the league.

On the other hand, it’s three fucking games during which every pitcher not name Jon Lester or Vicente Padilla absolutely imploded to the tune of 26 runs–the most allowed by any team in the majors.

The appropriate response lies somewhere in the middle, where nobody ever bothers to look.  The Red Sox have problems right now, but even the best team in the league loses three in a row from time to time.  They’re talented.  They’ll be all right.

But I’d hate to be in Manager Bobby V.’s shoes.  Everybody in New England expects him to do SOMETHING.  SOMETHING big.  SOMETHING bold.  SOMETHING to save the season.  I’ve got a few ideas…

  • Leave Nick Punto in the lead-off spot while also making him the closer.
  • Move Alfredo Aceves to short.
  • Put Kelly Shoppach in Jason Varitek’s jersey.  With that beard, no one would be able to tell the difference.
  • Sign Dennis Eckersley to a minor league deal and see if he’s got anything left.
  • Hire Gregg Williams and put a bounty out on Prince Fielder and Miguel Cabrera.
  • Trade Mark Melancon to Houston for Jed Lowrie.
  • Then trade Jed Lowrie to Philadelphia for Brad Lidge.
  • Bring back the chicken and beer.

Or maybe they could just go to Toronto to play the Blue Jays.  That might help.

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Further Possible MBTA Service Cuts

By yachtcaptaincolby on March 28, 2012 in

This morning MBTA officials announced their recommendations for service cuts and a 23 percent fare increase.  Boston is pissed, or so Twitter tells me–as it rightfully should be.  The T wouldn’t be in this predicament if only they had followed my suggestions.  It’s not too late to start charging by the pound, T.

Brace yourselves, Boston–my sources within the Authority tell me this is just the tip of the iceberg.  Many bothans died to bring us this information.  As I type this, MBTA bigwigs are hard at work on further cost-cutting initiatives rumored to include…

  • Turning off all the lights.  The high-tech station announcement system makes reading the signs and maps obsolete.  Plus, science has proven that no one actually wants to see who’s rubbing up against them during their morning and evening commutes.  Is it a toothless hobo or a voluptuous swimsuit model?  You’ll never know!
  • Replacing all Green Line operators with work studies from the local universities.  At the very least this would cut down on the number of drunks driving the choo-choo.
  • Selling all the ferries and renting out canoes in their place.
  • Selling one of the Red Line’s rails.  What the fuck does it need three for anyway?
  • Selling the Blue Line to Six Flags for use in a new roller coaster.  I can’t think of anything more thrilling than a high-speed, twisty-turny trip to Revere!
  • Canceling all service between 1 and 2 pm every Tuesday, because anybody who rides the T at that time is obviously a degenerate and probably skipped on his fare anyway.
  • Adjusting bus routes to avoid all uphill climbs as a means of reducing fuel costs.

Word is they’re also going to charge riders 50 cents extra for each cup of coffee, Kindle, or iPad they carry.  An initiative to fire all the dumbass executives responsible for this mess never made it out of the exploratory stage.

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What Happened to the Rock?

By yachtcaptaincolby on March 26, 2012 in

Lately I’ve found myself doing something I never thought I would do: removing my attention from the television to play with my phone or my computer at even the slightest hint of the Rock showing up on Monday Night Raw.  This is the Great One we’re talking about here, folks.  The jabroni beating, pie eating, trailblazing, eyebrow raising People’s Champion.  Finally, the Rock has come back to my television.

And I don’t really care.  In fact, I can’t wait until John Cena whoops his ass at Wrestlemania so he goes away.  The Funkasaurus needs TV time.

I can’t believe I just wrote that.  Words cannot express how happy I was to hear that the Rock was coming back, even though I knew there was no way it would be full-time.  I ate up his schtick for a few weeks.  Boots to asses!  Team Bring It!  Random stuff getting polished up real nice, turned sideways, and shoved straight up candy asses!  But something wasn’t right; something was missing.  It degenerated into pledges of allegiance, terrible sing-a-longs, nonsense insults, and enough Twitter talk to make me want to dropkick every at and pound symbol I see.  Cena dumped on the Rock for selling out, for running back to Hollywood just weeks after saying he was never going to leave again, and for keeping promo notes written on his wrist.  The best the Rock could come back with was a motley array of breakfast cereals, Chinese food, and taped vignettes about how he’d like to go back in time to sleep with colonial women.  And just like that, the Rock got annoying.

I’ve spent the last few weeks watching Cena own the Rock on the mic and wondering just what the hell was happening.  Was the Rock just out of practice?  Was Cena simply on the roll of his life?  Was this just another instance of nostalgia raising my expectations too high?  Yes, yes, and yes.  But those are merely contributing factors.

Here’s the real reason: the Rock simply isn’t the Rock anymore.  He’s Dwayne Johnson, smily, good-natured celebrity who panders to the fans so they’ll go see his new movie.  He isn’t treating Monday Night Raw like Monday Night Raw; he’s treating it like the Jay Leno Show, or the View, or Regis and Kelly.  He’s a movie star there to make people like him.

For as much as the Rock has always involved the fans in his promos, he never, ever pandered to them.  He always gave the impression that he was involving the fans just to stoke his own ego.  The Rock was never humble; he never thanked the fans for being there.  He never stood in awe of the scene surrounding the ring.  He proclaimed himself the People’s Champion even when the people were booing him out of the building.  The Rock was never about the fans; the Rock was about the Rock.  Humility?  Not in his vocabulary.

Ten years ago the Rock would’ve shown up, picked an object to polish up real nice, turn sideways, and shove up John Cena’s candy ass, and then proceeded to do just that.  He would’ve crapped all over Twitter.  He would’ve remembered to raise the People’s Eyebrow from time-to-time.  And he never would’ve co-opted a Twilight meme for his new t-shirt.

But the Rock isn’t the Rock anymore, and what’s left of him can’t put a dent in the confident, incorruptible Superman that is John Cena.  Cena’s perceived flaws–his inherent goodness, his refusal to waiver in said inherent goodness, and his appeal as a hero to small children–aren’t flaws at all when you stop to think about them using the kind of logic most wrestling fans tend to avoid, and they aren’t giving Rocky’s weak material anything to grab onto.  They make the Rock’s attacks seem petty and stupid in comparison.

There’ve been rumors that Cena vs. the Rock at Wrestlemania is just the first of a series of matches between these two titans.  Color me unexcited.  Why would I want to watch several more weeks of the Rock comparing Cena to various parts of the food pyramid when I could be watching the Funkasaurus instead?  Here’s hoping the match at Wrestlemania is one-and-done with a clear cut victor.

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